Time away from Tottenham On My Mind, and more to the point from the ground. An opportunity for reflection. Take a step back. Big picture, overview, that sort of thing.

Nah. I’m unsettled, disengaged. Not feeling it. This is my longest period away from the Lane since my kids were young in the nineties and it’s done my mental well-being no good at all. I can see the game better on television, frankly, but that’s not the point. There are many ways of being a Spurs fan, all equally meaningful. It’s just that my way is being there. A lifetime connection not just with this football club but the thread of my life. Trace it to find my true self, boy to man, son to father to grandfather.  And so, if I don’t feel it, what then?

This should be about missing a few games for a perfectly reasonable reason. I now have a new knee and should soon be able to hold my own in the post-match sprint for the Northumberland Park queue. Instead, and perfectly unreasonably, it exposes the dogged obsession that my support has become. After a defeat, I’m irritable and distracted, my energies drained by the strain of suppressing disappointment and frustration.

Yet I’m even more consumed by not being at the Ipswich game. For most, a lucky escape. For me, bordering on an existential crisis because I couldn’t make the effort to watch on TV. If I’m not feeling it, this thing that has followed me and led me through my life, then what’s left?

 There have been times in the recent past where any sense of logic driven by finance and family could have meant I broke the chain and stepped away. More recently, the club have brazenly displayed their disdain of loyal supporters, with high prices, the Roma game being the latest example, and the changes in the senior concessions is a barefaced message to all fans that income matters, loyalty is just another commodity to exploit. Instead, everlasting support for the navy blue and lilywhite carried me through dark times that I would not wish on anyone. Now, here comes the biggest threat of all – indifference.

It’s ok. Just a blip. Back on the beat now. I’ll never let go. Haven’t failed the ultimate test – five minutes before kick-off at the Lane, where in the world would I rather be? Nowhere but here. I’ll enjoy it all the more when I’m back, because I know what I’ve missed.

My new knee is fine, it’s the rest of that leg that hurts. It has swollen to Paramot-esque proportions. My physio is keen that I define progress goals. When I said it was to climb to row 49 for the Liverpool game, she responded with a blank look, wrote something in her file then thought better of it and scribbled it out. Maybe it was, ‘hopeless case’.

So taking a step back to consider where the team is at might be the way to go. But little changes – is it two steps up and one back, or one step up and two steps back? This is Tottenham, there are never any neat answers.

It’s the former for me, just about. There’s progress without consistency. If I’m honest, this time last year I would have said that by now, we would be further down the road, but much of that comes from my frustration. I keep returning to Ange’s biggest problem, the burden of the past. Not his fault but he’s weighed down just the same and has to exert undue effort to escape the quicksand of thwarted expectation.

Tottenham should be a club with secure foundations to build upon. Now is the time, finally, or it should be. Ownership is settled, the club not merely financially secure but positively blooming, taking over £5m per home game. Yet the legacy of the last two decades is one of uncertainty and lack of purpose, with an absence of real direction. Such doubt and ambiguity has a way of seeping into the cracks and causing subsidence. Lloris’s recent comments in his autobiography about how before the Champions League final the chairman proudly presented each player with a watch, paid for by sponsors not the club, to commemorate being finalists may be taken out of context (I haven’t read the whole book) but have the ring of truth, that Levy is content to be at the top table without committing wholeheartedly and ruthlessly to be a winner. His proposed membership of the Super League is another example, entering a competition he had no intention of trying to win.

This season, we continue to evolve. We’ve played some dazzling football and have a squad full of talent. Also, Ange has shown his ability to alter his tactics to get the best from his players, although listening to most media pundits chuntering about the high line you wouldn’t know this, notably moving Kulu to be the fulcrum of our play (he’s had an outstanding season), which also enables him to play two out of three of Sarr, Bentancur and Bissouma, giving us more solidity in the middle. Solanke is an excellent buy, and I’m delighted with Johnson’s form. Our pressing is an important weapon now. The full-backs come inside but sometimes they don’t, according to what we need. That is as it should be.

Quincy Jones, the great arranger and inspirer of funkiness in whatever he tackled, died last week. Ange’s approach is football jazz. Some arrangers write out each part and the musicians duly play the dots, whereas like Quincy, Ange suggests a theme within defined chord structures, then allows his players to improvise.

I warm to the way he encourages and develops creativity and individual responsibility, and I think the players do too. Ange is creating positive change but two problems remain. One is where Spurs come up against a more drilled, systems based approach. Teams this season continue to exploit our weaknesses, either by a dense low block with no room in and around the penalty area and/or where they press and man-mark high up the pitch. More recently a couple of teams of gone three at the back which cuts out our favoured angled ball into wide channels.

We haven’t found a consistent answer to this, which leads to us giving the ball away in dangerous areas and players being isolated on the ball. If we can draw sides out, we are much happier, as against W Ham and Villa. At the risk of oversimplifying, this remains a fundamental issue facing our manager. We don’t protect our back four as well as other sides do, especially the full-backs, where our wide forwards do not defend well. I get it, I know why, but that leaves us vulnerable without compromise.

The other is us, maybe. How much time will we give him to sustain progress? Do fans have unreal expectations? Judging by social media, many do, but we forget a lesson that anyone who has ever watched the game should know, which is that these things take time. We have a relatively young squad with a great deal of potential. We are going to have to watch them make mistakes, and sometimes crumble.

That learning process would be accelerated if in January and the summer we are able to buy a couple of players with proven experience and leadership qualities, especially a dominant figure in centre midfield. Such players are few and far between but there’s something lacking there at the moment. They don’t have to be top class because of the talent around them, but some players exert an influence on their team-mates over and above their qualities with the ball at their feet, and we need someone like that. Even another Wanyama, a man with limited abilities but who alongside more talented contemporaries was smart and uncompromising and who enabled others to be the best they could be.

Not feeling this season yet. Until the derby. On the train, the buzz is back. The crowds, the blue smoke flares on the High Road corner, the extra rush to get to my seat. Shame the football had to spoil it.

But the emotion was there. Maybe like the players I need to ease myself into each season, especially as I get older, before I’m fully match fit. Because there have been so many seasons now, they tend to blend into one. Hope not, it will be over for me if they do. There’s nothing to compare with going to see the Hotspur, may that feeling never fade. I still feel a loss, detest a loss to the neighbours, but what’s important, essential, is that it matters. Joy and pain, I want to be affected by both. Apathy is anathema. I fear it, but the derby does it still.

It is without question the biggest game of my season. Other rivalries and squabbles pale into insignificance compared with the force generated by the weight of history. Battle of the Bridge and all that, old rivalry has turned into bitterness, it’s a nasty one, while WHam is the lopsided derby, good to win but it means more to them than it does to us. The NLD runs deep.

Because of that emotional involvement, look elsewhere for considered analysis. I watch games as a fan and as such, I’m far too frantic for this one. Sitting back and taking a considered view is the last thing I want to do in matches like these. I can’t analyse these games, I feel them.

Yet maybe that approach reveals some fundamental truths about where Spurs are right now. I feel frustration and some anger that once more, we’ve lost at home and to a goal that could, should have been prevented. What I felt is that this was another muggins goal, a free header 5 yards out. Mugs again. Mugs too often. That after a decent first half, we failed to up our game. Them lot were playing well enough but not at their most fluent or effective. There was our opportunity and we failed to exert sufficient pressure. That once they scored, we were never going to come back.

These feelings are all too familiar. Once we concede, we deflate. It all looks pretty similar, the shape, the movement, but nothing happens. There’s no edge. And here lies one big difference between them and us. They are resilient, disciplined and tough-minded, where we are not confident in ourselves. Ange talks about instilling consistency and belief, come what may, but it looks like we don’t have full and complete confidence in our method.

The gunners play decent, attractive football (by the way, this is a Spurs blog but unless we acknowledge that right now they are a better team than us, we’re deluding ourselves and we’ll never be able to move forward) with a precious clinical edge. Spurs are the opposite of cold and clinical. it’s freewheeling and risk-taking, albeit within established patterns. It’s great to watch and good fun when it works, but there’s no safety net and little margin for error. I like to see Maddison, Bentancur and Kulu weaving patterns in midfield but that deeper interchangeable role for Madders isn’t working because the foundations aren’t solid enough.

There’s a hole somewhere, something missing. Weakness where there should e strength. Nobody takes charge, there’s no authority in the middle of the park. It’s similar up front. Solanke will prosper, I’m sure. He adds a focal point and I like the way he contorts his body to get something, anything, on the ball to propel it goalwards. Old school centre forward play, that. But he was outnumbered two to one and overpowered yesterday. It’s a measure of our desperation that we have to stick a centre half up front for the last ten minutes in the vain hope of getting on the end of one of our wayward crosses.

The goal was an example of how they use this edge. I don’t think Vicario is as weak at corners as is often made out. Last season we left him unprotected and therefore vulnerable. Now, we have players around him and also the new interpretation of existing laws should help. So they put two players to pressure him, pushed away by two of ours. What this in fact did was increase his problems by creating a solid four man barrier in front of him. Their men didn’t want to get to him, they just wanted to commit two of ours. Gabriel slipped into that pocket, the ball was perfect, our marking less so, but they turned our defenders to their advantage.

Searching for explanations in the sulky silence of the journey home, there was one that stood out. It wasn’t about Angeball or tactics. We weren’t consistently exposed at the back and picked up more than enough possession. On the day, we weren’t bad, we were just ordinary, and ordinary isn’t good enough. if we’re set up to cross the ball, but barely produce a decent ball all afternoon, that’s not Angeball to blame, that’s just rubbish football. If we buy a centre forward, then leave him on his own as these crosses come in, or as yesterday sail over his head, that’s not Angeball, that’s rubbish football.

It feels as if the NLD is pivotal, a benchmark for progress. In fact it’s probably an outlier, given the frantic nature of these games not the best guide to the nature and quality of the football we play over the course of the season. But there are two inescapable conclusions to be drawn from yesterday’s game. One is that we don’t deal well with pressure, and we won’t get far until we do. The other that they are three years ahead of us in their development. With that comes that sense of certainty and resilience we have yet to learn.

We can make that progress, I’m certain of it, and the squad is full of promise, but of the many he must face Ange’s biggest problem is the burden of history, in particular two decades of unfulfilled promise and one trophy. So turn back the clocks. This is year 2 AC (After Conte). Then both the progress made and the distance to still to be covered come into focus. We have the best set-up and strategy at the club arguably since Levy took over, with focused recruitment and bags of potential waiting to be released but it takes time. As fans, patience is the gift that keeps on giving, but that’s tough even for an old lag like me.

My problem comes back to that emotional commitment again. I’m invested in Ange and I want him to succeed. I like his style, values and ethos. This is the right way to grow the club. But sometimes I wonder what he sees when he watches us play. I hear pundits drone on about Angeball and the high line but his tactics and shape aren’t significantly different from that of Man City, and other teams often play the high line. Our players are good but are they good enough to play this way? That’s the difference. Until then, patience. But while we’re about it, play a strong side at Coventry tomorrow so there’s some short-term joy.

Thanks for hanging around while Tottenham On Mind creaks into what passes for action for another season. I’ll post frequently but not necessarily regularly, basically when I’ve got something I want to say, starting with something about fans and the state of our relationship with the club. Click subscribe if you want to join about 500 other fans who get every post sent to their inbox. I’ll add links to Twitter and Bluesky, but will rarely post on the former because it is foul and bad for my mental well-being. Up the Spurs!

This morning I checked in on social media to gauge reaction to the game, as I usually do. There’s a lot of criticism of the crowd’s reaction. Throw me a lifebelt, I’m drowning in a stream of moralistic pious sewage.

Have people ever been to a football match? Have they ever supported a team? Any team? Teams have rivals. They don’t want those rivals to succeed. It’s fundamental. You decide who you support and in that big bang moment of creation you also learn who your rivals are. Positive and negative. Yin and yang. Defines what you are by knowing what you’re not.

Last night, Spurs played a football match. I wanted them to win. I admit that I didn’t feel as bad about this defeat as I have done with others. That’s it.

Not every Spurs fan felt the same. I really don’t agree with them, but that’s not the point. The garbage I’m reading, from pompous sermons on how Spurs fans have desecrated the righteous values of football to small-minded snarking from small-minded fans of other clubs has one thing in common – they just don’t get it.

This is what football fans do. They despair when their rivals have the upper hand and gloat whenever they fail, or in this case might fail. Last night was an expression of this eternal truth. Cheering for City? From my corner of the South Stand, I didn’t hear any pro-City chanting. I did hear a lot of abuse directed at our north London rivals. I don’t need to stand up to know what I feel about them, although I did need to stand up to see the game.

Here’s Oliver Holt, now chief sports writer for the Mail:

The Spurs fans who cheered City on tonight got it spectacularly wrong. If Spurs had won, they would not have been mocked, as they feared. They would have been held up as an example of the very best of sport.

— Oliver Holt (@OllieHolt22) May 14, 2024

In this tweet he manages to be so mistaken about football fans in so few words. “fans got it wrong” – don’t make judgements about how we fans are thinking and feeling, and don’t ever tell me how to feel. “Mocked” – Spurs fans around me did not fear being mocked, social media is not the real world. “an example of the very best of sport” – where Oliver transports us back to late Victorian times. ‘Play up lads, and play the game!’ Blimey, those Royal Engineers fans are going to give us some stick, eh.

And also in the Times, Martin Samuels:

🗣️ "Was that really the dream, a crowd of over 61,000 gathered in the hope Tottenham lose a game that could have put them on the brink of Champions League qualification? Daniel Levy must be so proud."

Read Martin Samuel's column ⬇️https://t.co/L6oiGS1VMB

— Times Sport (@TimesSport) May 15, 2024

There’s no mention of fan loyalty, for example. Of capacity crowds every single week despite the extortionate prices and the fact that under this chairman we’ve won a single League Cup and nothing since 2008. Of British record crowds at Wembley.

And while I’m about it, there are endless examples this morning of how the expression of fandom on social media appears for many to be the only reality. My question asking if people had ever been to a football match is not entirely rhetorical. Many younger fans have not been to any or many games, for reasonable reasons of price and, where the fanbase is world wide, geography. So social media is the only place where they express themselves. The bantz, the ‘mocking’, the insults, these do not reflect the reality of fandom. Much of it is generated for the express purpose of getting clicks and hits, all of which are monetised. In other words, it is sustained, if not created, with profit in mind. In this world, cliches abound, convenient off-the-peg takes that mean anyone can join in without having to think for themselves, or indeed watch much football. In this world, Spurs fans today have no class, we’re two-bob and tinpot, we have loser mentalities.

This world is real to its inhabitants because this is their main source of information and the place where they express their fandom using these conventions. It’s not my world. I visit every now and again but I don’t live there. Other interpretations and realities are available.

By and large, Spurs fans in the ground handled it well. Fans got behind the team, for example after City’s first goal, there was a groundswell of singing to urge the players on, and we responded approvingly to our effort and good football, especially in the first half, both of which have been sorely absent of late. And barracked City for timewasting when they were a goal up. Those conflicted feelings emerged later, and once the game was gone, the balance tipped towards acceptance of a City win. Many left the ground as soon as the penalty was awarded, let alone scored.

There were quiet periods, but to be honest, that’s not unusual at Spurs, particularly when opponents are on top, as was the case for some of the second half. But ‘normal anxiety’ isn’t a hot take. Neither apparently is having fun. Samuels pictures a few Spurs fans doing the Poznan. Perish the thought that with the game lost, they had a bit of fun, last home game of the season. Because football fans can’t have fun. It would be an insult to our chairman.

This debate has been energized by Postecoglou’s post-match comments where he referred cryptically to problems at the club: “the last 48 hours to me have revealed the foundations are pretty fragile…inside and outside.” The focus of today’s coverage has largely been on the fans, the presumption being that we are the ‘outside’ bit, compounded by a video showing him having a go at a fan behind the bench who wanted us to lose.

He was obviously very angry in that press conference but it’s debatable whether he meant that there’s a fundamental lack of support from the crowd. Never a good idea to be seen to have a go at supporters but I think sections of the media and unchallenging social media discourse have made more of it than is justified and I don’t see anything in what he said that means he doesn’t feel supported by us. As Celtic manager, he’s seen all this at first hand and coped well in an atmosphere that’s frankly more combustible than the north London rivalry.

As for the game itself, I took away the positives of a committed, organised performance with Romero leading the way, and where Ange showed, belatedly perhaps, that he can adapt his tactics to match the demands of the league. Sarr as a false nine gave us more heft in midfield, the extra man being the basis of our better shape with better passing and covering options, unfortunately at the expense of weakness up front in the absence of a central striker. After a poor run of results, I hope this is the beginning of the changes that must surely come.

This leaves us with what to me is evidence of a more sinister problem – what does Ange mean about “inside”? Is he referring to the players – are some doubting his methods? Or does he know the summer transfer budget and he’s unhappy about it? I like the fact that he is angry about the club’s future and wants to do something about it. He has the ability and determination to address these problems but the board have to support the growth of the club. As I said last week, once more we’re ending the season on a sour note.

Contemporary top-level football is complex. Double pivots, inverted full-backs, gegenpressing, I’ve banned the expression A***ball but that too – I get it. But it’s not overly simplistic to say, at free kicks, get your big bloke on their big bloke. Or don’t get too many players upfield and let teams score on the counter. Or defend a bloody corner properly. And when we have a problem defending set-pieces, don’t give stupid free-kicks away.

What infuriates me are all these mug goals. We are total mugs, handing opportunities to opponents instead of making them work hard for them. Regardless of different tactical approaches, think of how many of the goals we’ve conceded lately are mug goals. Sitting in the Park Lane on Sunday, watching their players’ expressions as they celebrated their goals, they couldn’t believe their luck. Without playing well they held us in check but to score their goals required scant ingenuity or overpowering skill. On Thursday, three unnecessary tackles, three fouls, two goals.

And underlying those fouls is a sense of indecision laced with a liberal dash of panic. Minds as well as limbs are weary after a season of hard yards and tough matches. Nobody took control. Nobody settled things down. Nobody said, let’s be confident in our ability to resist when CFC attack, let’s keep our shape and keep the ball when we get it. Nobody assessed what was happening on the field and said, oi big bloke, get out there to mark that other big bloke. There are no gamechangers out there.

As a fan, I ask for, indeed demand, clarity of thought from players and manager, yet I find that impossible because of my attachment to the club. There’s so much to say, so many things going wrong lately, there’s disappointment and some anger obscuring the progress this season. Perspective is hard when you’re so invested.  

Ange has the right ideas, the right approach and – this is important for me – the right values. He understands the club’s heritage and what supporters want. It’s a philosophy that can change the ethos of the entire club and he has the capacity to get people to believe.

But now we’re at the sharp end of the season, time to take stock and do the accounts. And once more we’re ending a season wanting it to rush by and end before its time. Different players, different manager but that same sinking feeling.  

The biggest, perhaps insurmountable problem Ange faces won’t go away. The weight of expectation has become a burden, as his predecessor discovered and ran away. If anything, he’s added to it because he created such an exciting start to his time in charge, because he was so different from what had gone before.

We fans carry this too. Lately, it seems like each overhit pass carries not only too much weight but also the weight of past frustrations. As each cross sails into the distance, it becomes a symbol of serial failure. Not again, we lament, not again.

Save Our Seniors is the fan campaign to reverse the club’s decision to cut the discount on senior concessions and to not issue any more senior concessions after next season. It’s a disgraceful decision that directly affects not only the club’s most loyal supporters but also reveals how little the club values the loyalty of every fan. The campaign continues – updates on social media @SaveOurSenior66 and I wrote about it last time

So of the many things on my mind, a short list in no particular order.

Key players have disappointed in the second half of the season. Maddison is easily drawn into petty squabbles that distract him. If he wants to be a big player at a big club then he’s got to play like one and run the midfield, rather than be a bit part actor however scene-stealing his cameos are. Bentacur too is off his game, Bissouma is not a strong presence in that key centre mid role, while Sonny gave everything in the Asian Cup, as he should for his country, but he has little left for us.

That said, modern players expect to be coached into a system. I can’t escape the felling that too often our midfielders are not clear where they are supposed to be. They allow huge gaps to open up between them and don’t get this coaching fundamental about connection and awareness. And some of that has to be down to the manager.

I read that Ange has no plan B. While this was never truly accurate, we’ve seen plans B and C this week and neither has made a significant difference to the outcome. To me, the defeat to CFC was the worst of the lot precisely because we changed our set-up to be tighter out of possession and still the Blues easily circumvented our defence. And substituting the complete midfield smacked of desperation rather than a clear plan of action.

Compare with Them Lot up the road – I’m afraid we were forced to on Sunday – they’ve had several years of gradual development and are clearly well-drilled out of possession. They close down space and passing lanes. For a couple of minutes last Sunday, I watched Rice in defence – there was nothing much else to catch my attention. He’s constantly on the move even when in a relatively tight defensive situation, proactively thinking about space and angles. As for us in this respect, let’s just say we have much to learn. And also remember, it took them years and a lot of money to be where they are.

I’ve got to say something about corners. Vicario looks uncertain when earlier in the season I felt he was good at this aspect of his game, given that he doesn’t possess huge physical presence. But it’s wrong to focus all the attention on him. A firm low-ish ball around the packed 6-yard box is a favourite for many clubs at the moment. A lot of keepers have a problem with these. They simply do not have the time let alone the space to get to these crosses.

We don’t defend as a team in these situations. We have no presence at the near post, another reason to miss Harry as he was so effective there. We’re not a big side, and our smaller guys employed to do the blocking as part of the zonal set-up aren’t strong enough and are easily overpowered. Romero and VDV have many attributes but a standing jump without much of a run-up is not one of them. And every other team has at least one player to protect the keeper. We didn’t. Then we did. On Sunday, we didn’t again and gave two goals away at corners. Then we did in the second half when it was too late.

Mug goals, mug tactics. How on earth can we be so disorganised, so weak, so consistently. We adapted with a man to protect Vic, then on Sunday we left him exposed. I simply don’t get it. Admit it, it’s not just me who thinks, what’s the point, heart in mouth time every corner and free kick.

The same can be said for allowing teams to score so easily on the break, a regular feature of recent matches. Attention has focussed on the abilities or lack thereof of individuals – VDV against Newcastle, Davies on Sunday. But isolating a defender, any defender in the world, against a quick skilful forward is the stuff managers’ dreams are made of. Saka didn’t have to beat Davies, all he had to do was pull the ball across him because we left Davies unsupported. Again.

Anyway, that’s got that off my chest. Nobody said the rebuild would be easy. Ange made it appear it was with such a stunning opening to the season. In fact without going over this all again, it will take time, determination and clear thinking to turn around problems embedded in the club psyche, let alone our transfer policy.

Overall this season, we’re up a few points. We’re shite but 5^th, a reasonable foundation to build upon. We know what the manager wants, and we all know from personal experience that we can learn from mistakes as well as successes. The question is, how willing is Ange to adapt? We are too open in midfield out of possession and rubbish at defending set-pieces, so two areas there where little apparent change has taken place despite strong reasons to act.

On the other hand, we forget how relatively inexperienced many of our players are, this is a the first season with a new manager and his very different ways. And we’ve not replaced Harry. Also, and I may be reading too much into this, but against both AFC and CFC, he altered tactics, certainly on Thursday out of possession we looked very different.

On Thursday, Ange was visibly furious at players who were not doing what they should, and yesterday’s press conference he declared, “We need change. Change has to happen.” Good. The question as always is, does the board agree with his plans? Past experience not only casts doubt over this but also tells us that the chairman does not react well to public criticism, overt or implied. Shots fired.